I can't believe it's been two entire months since I updated my blog. No wonder people are shaking their fists at me and making vague threats. Of course this post may not stop that as I have stopped by to say HUMBUG!

It's Christmas again and I can't wait for it to be over. Oh sure, I like having cookies and brownies and other assorted baked goods floating about the office...but it's all that other stuff that gets me down. That shopping stuff. For one thing, I hate crowds. My personal space is a very well defined area extending approximately 18" away from me in all directions. After having my personal no-fly zone violated repeatedly, I find that my elbows start to rise in preparation for jabbing the ribs of the next unfortunate interloper. My lip curls. My brow furrows. I growl. And despite this display of primitive aggression, I am trampled by eager shoppers, to whom I am apparently completely invisible. By the time I leave the (store/mall/bazaar), I have a headache, an ulcer, and ingrown toenails.

And can we talk about Christmas music? I've been hearing it virtually incessantly since early November. BEFORE Thanksgiving. I am so sick of it now that I think I'm going to puke if I hear 'Winter Wonderland' one more time! Exactly how many versions of that song are there, anyway? And what's the deal with that 'Buy my mom these shoes because she's going to DIE and meet Jesus tonight' song??? What kind of fucked-up, manipulative sack-of-shit wrote THAT song? What does it have to do with Christmas? And more importantly, who buys this record?? Arghh. Somehow this is the fault of the Republicans. I'm also sure they are behind the Kenny Rogers song I heard just yesterday that seemed to be put together using some formula: God + USA + Christmas= Huge Record Sales. I am waiting for David Allen Coe or someone to make the perfect Christmas song - 'It was snowing the day I bought my dying mother shoes so she could be pretty for Jesus before I went off to save CHRISTmas from the secular humanists here in the USA!'

All I want for Christmas is to see Bill O'Reilly hanging from the highest Christmas tree.

But back to shopping...have you noticed how many clerks and cashiers are using the phrase, 'Can I help who's next?' I hate that. I want it to be stopped at once. Banned, preferrably. I want it to be illegal and to carry some substantial jail time. The grammar is just all fucked up. How about, 'Can I help the next person?' Or just a simple 'Next?' would work for me. I'm just that kind of girl.

And one more thing...what about when you have to wait an excessive amount of time in some line or another and someone then says to you, 'I'm sorry about your weight'? Oh, I know they mean, 'I'm sorry about your WAIT'...but I always hear it the other way. And I always think, 'YOU'RE sorry? Imagine how I feel?'

So, in conclusion, and not to totally disregard everything I just said...BUT....Happy Holidays everyone!