Assumptions will get you in trouble. You know the cliche...I don't even have to write it here.

I went to a family reunion weekend before last which was occasioned by the sixtieth birthday of my father's youngest sister. I had a great time reconnecting with people I grew up with but hadn't seen in a long time. One of them was my cousin Freddie (not her real name) who reminded me of a tale I hadn't thought of in years.

When we were kids, Freddie lived next door to me in an apartment over a pool hall that my family owned. I was a year older than her (still am), and we hung out quite a bit -- walked to school together and such. We were probably eight and seven at the time.

So this one day, we were walking home from school and one of us spotted a broken oar lying under a bush on the way out of the school yard. It was made of wood, and what was left of it was the business end -- the part with the paddle. It looked, in fact, an awful lot like the wooden paddles they used at school for beating the Bad Kids (something I never experienced as I was a Good Kid). It was it's simularity to the school's paddles that prompted me to say the following: "Hey, if you can catch me before we get home, I'll let you hit me with that!"

This is where I made the fatal assumption that I could run faster than Freddie.

So I took off running and Freddie picked up the oar and came running behind me. I was immediately alarmed that she seemed to be moving a lot faster than I thought she could. I made it the block and a half to my apartment with her hot on my heels, but still behind me...until I reached the stairs that led to my door. That's when I learned that not only was Freddie faster than me, but she was freakishly strong. She swung that oar like she meant it. I didn't actually climb the rest of the stairs as much as I was propelled up them by the repeated whacks to my rear end. By the time I reached the top, I was screaming and begging her to stop.

I feel that it's only fair to Freddie to add that the spanking my father gave her at that point was largely undeserved. Firstly, as she kept telling him, "..she told me to!" (his reply to that was something having to do with whether she'd jump off a bridge if I said to), and secondly, I was mean to her on a regular basis. I liked her just fine, but I was older and thought I was smarter (and faster) and so I got my way a lot. I'm sure I deserved to have my ass whipped.

With an oar.

A lot.

I couldn't sit down for a week.

Thanks Freddie.