My Life Against the Wall

Boom

boom

boom

beating

my blood against my veins
my feet against the ground
my fists against the wall

my body against your body

my life against the wall

beating
old as death

ceaseless.

a womb enclosed me
and I beat my head against it
until I emerged
bloody
gasping
into a box
surrounded by a wall -
covered by a stone.

I beat my life against the wall.

And my heart wants blood
or love
or both
and your body against mine
beating in a rhythm as old as death
while my feet beat the ground
and the wall doesn’t move

My bones break
but the wall doesn’t crumble

My heart breaks
and the wall doesn’t move

I beat my life against the wall
in a rhythm as old as death

knowing
somehow

that in the wall is a door…

and somewhere…

there is a key.

Aug. 2 I've reached what I believe is going to be the end of the Effexor Experiment. I took it faithfully for a month with no effect whatsoever on my mood (unless the increase in irritability can be ascribed to effexor), so I'm quitting. No more effexor. I took my last one last Thursday or Friday and so far have been in a better mood overall since I quit. That might be coincidence, I realize....but nevertheless. Turns out I was on a baby dose anyway, but I was just uncomfortable enough with the idea of anti-depressants in general that I'm not really into the idea of trying a higher dose or a different med.

On the other hand, next time I'm really in the pits I'll probably do a 180 and change my mind entirely and beg for prozac.

Actually, speaking of prozac...Kallie's reaction to prozac is what made me think maybe the effexor was responsible for making me so irritable and angry for the last few weeks. She always got like that on prozac. I realize effexor is a different drug...but can you really predict how an individual is going to react to a particular medicine? When I was in my twenties I had some real troubles with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and my doc put me on this medicine called Axid. I had a horrible, twisting, painful stomach ache the entire time I was on it. I called the doc and said I thought the medicine was making matters worse and she was very aggravated with me and told me it couldn't POSSIBLY be causing the symptoms I was having, but if I was so convinced, I should stop taking it. I did and the pain went away immediately, never to return. So...I'm just sayin'. Drugs don't always have the intended effect.

Which reminds me, for some reason, of The Time I Smoked Pot. Now that was weird. I was expecting to get all mellow and giggle a lot, but instead I spent an hour or two with absolutely no short term memory. It was like that movie 'Memento', except that instead of forgetting everything every five minutes, I was forgetting everything every 10 or 15 seconds. I'd be in the middle of a sentence and realize that I couldn't remember what the first part of the sentence had been...so I'd stop talking and just shake my head. It was a bizarre experience and not one I intend to repeat.

Ok...it's Monday morning and I am babbling....